From the Pastor: Personal Pronoun Enforcement Time!
Recently, I was reading a news article and couldn’t figure out who in the heck was being written about after the first few sentences of the article. The pronouns didn’t make any sense to me. Without explaining in the article, the writer was using non-normal or abnormal personal pronouns when referring to one of the characters in the story. I could also classify this use of incorrect pronouns the way I just did (they are “incorrect”) or by saying that they are non-normative or that they are a misuse of proper English. But however I classify them, there will be people who claim that I am the one not classifying them properly. They will even accuse me of being transphobic, homophobic, racist, and pre-Vatican II because I did not say that the willful misuse of personal pronouns is both perfectly acceptable and mandatory. But caring about understanding a news story (hence, I read it in English rather than in Greek) does not make me a -phobe of any sort. In fact, not another single article I read in that same publication misused personal pronouns, and, by using “normal” pronouns for “normal” people they show that either each reporter and editor (other than those responsible for the original subject of this article) is also pre-Vattranshomoraciphobic or else they show that normal is normal and abnormal is just for show.
The fact that an avid English reader such as myself cannot understand an English news article shows that it certainly is not normal at all to use the wrong pronouns. For, even if I had been reading a very detailed article written using highly specialized terms, such as an article in a prestigious medical journal dealing with the latest technological advances in fighting off Sphenopalatine Ganglioneuralgia on a hot summer day, I should be able to understand, due to proper use of personal pronouns, whether the author is quoting the doctor or the patient or anyone else already specified in the article, even if it took me a while to figure out that they were discussing what is commonly known as “brain freeze” from eating ice cream too quickly.
I sort of feel sorry for the reporters nowadays. I can picture them sitting alone in their apartments, masked up, with CNN on in the background stating once again, “Thank Fauci-god that Joe Biden is 5 times jabbed and masked because he just tested positive for covid once again!” trying to enter personal pronouns into the story of a lady and her two adult daughters, but, being reporters rather than biologists, not being able to distinguish just how many women, if any, were just interviewed. It must be extremely difficult to use sex-specific pronouns when one cannot distinguish between males and females! But, realizing that I am just an old fuddy duddy (see, even the use of such a term shows how ancient I am) who is behind the times, I decided to examine more closely the whole “pronoun” thing to see if I could catch up. I found a quite amusing table of woke genderbender-identifying information.
Pronouns: In a sentence:
she/her/hers She wants you to use her pronouns.
he/him/his He wants you to use his pronouns.
ze/hir Ze wants you to use hir pronouns.
they/them/theirs They want you to use their pronouns.
co/cos Co wants you to use cos pronouns.
No pronoun (use the person’s name instead of a pronoun) ___(name) wants you to use ___(name) pronouns.
xe/xem/xyr Xe wants you to use xyr pronouns.
hy/hym/hys Hy wants you to use hys pronouns.
Have you ever seen such nonsense? You have if you work for the government or a woke company. I know that some of you have had to sit through “inclusivity” or “anti-hate” indoctrination meetings which teach such very strange things as this. You can even find name tag stickers online that say, “Hello! My Name Is... My Pronouns are...”
Needless to say, I think it is a travesty that the elites are allowing individual people to insist that we pervert the English language just so that they can feel smug about themselves for a brief moment. That the official press “stylebooks” mandate such usage for their reporters just adds to the madness. But I am not averse to piling on even more madness! So next week, when I go in for my gynecological exam (on what grounds could the insurance company deny that bill?!?), I plan to fill out the information form stating that my personal pronouns are “My lord and My god / All hail the king / I’m a little teapot” with the notation that the last pronoun must be sung when it is used.
In closing, Ze was going to try writing the last one of xyr’s sentences using hers various pronouns but co wasn’t quite sure how to write them’s pronouns and didn’t want to make theirs cry by using the incorrect ones incorrectly.
With prayers for your holiness,
Rev. Fr. Edwin Palka