Christmas Was... Questionable

From the Pastor:    Christmas Was... Questionable

       This Christmas was one full of questions. I hope I don’t bore you with this article dealing with a few of the questions and answers. Even though I am writing this column before the staff takes off for Christmas so that we can get the bulletin ready for the weekend, I can assure you that these questions and answers are as genuine as the questions written about in the recent dubia which brought them all on.

To the proposed question:

When Pope St. Gregory the Great codified, in the 6th century, what is now often called the Traditional Latin Mass, did he understand that it was going to cause nothing but dissent and loss of Catholic Faith for the next 1500 years?

The answer is:

Affirmative.

Explanatory note:

Pope St. Gregory the Great, when he standardized the Mass in the same substantial form as it was to be celebrated until the Great n’ Only Council™, showed us how evil his plan was by mandating that it be celebrated in Latin and that it use, in its more solemn forms, Gregorian Chant. Now it is quite apparent that these three things,1) Standard rubrics and texts to be followed precisely; 2) Latin as the language used; and 3) Gregorian Chant used for sung Masses, show that he certainly planned to undermine the faith of the people of God and to assure that it could never to be accepted by anyone after 1969. Although he cleverly covered his tracks by stressing missionary work and converting, through those efforts, millions of people on every continent who didn’t speak Latin or chant Gregorian in their everyday lives, he must have known that the Church could not really please God by having priests reverently offering up the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass and allowing the people to, with full, active and conscious participation, spiritually take their place at the foot of the Cross as the Son of God paid the price for man’s Salvation. Gregory’s nefarious plan was to allow millions of poor, ignorant savages to become holy and die in a state of grace and thereby get to Heaven, as a long-tern “punk” of the far superior in every way (intellectually, physically, emotionally, and—needless to say—spiritually) elites of our times. Now that we are in on his “joke” we can laugh at the stupidity of our forefathers, cast off their silly rubrics, their humility, their holiness, and their sacraments, and get to Heaven without any effort or thought.

To the proposed question:

Well then, did all of our beloved Saints really become Saints if they celebrated a “bad” Mass and had other “defective” sacraments?

The answer is:

Negative.

Explanatory note:

We now know, through our superior intellectual superioritiness, that the only people who were ever in danger of going to hell are those who question covid lockdowns, the delights of sodomy, or female ordinations. Oh, and those who now celebrate or attend the Traditional Latin Mass and avail themselves of other sacraments and blessings which were in use before the pre-Great n’ Only Council™. So, technically, nobody should really be proclaimed a Saint, since we all (exceptions listed above) will get to Heaven no matter what we do or don’t do, believe or don’t believe (exceptions listed above).

To the proposed questions:

Is Heaven really worth striving for, then? Do sacrifices such as prayer, penance, and almsgiving have any moral or theological value? Is God worthy of our love, worthy of us giving up everything in this world in order that we may be united with Him in the Beatific Vision?

The answer is:

What a nincompoop you are.

Explanatory note:

We don’t believe in any of that stuff anymore. You must be a plant from the TLM group.

With prayers for your holiness
Rev. Fr. Edwin Palka

[The above dubia is meant as satire. Should anyone reading this (or having it read/paraphrased/misquoted to them, as they are probably incapable of such intellectual endeavors as reading and understanding what was written) please take a coloring book and teddy bear to your safe spot and sound off on twitter until you feel fully affirmed in your lack of faith and sense of humor.]

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