New Year’s Resolutions

From the Pastor:    New Year’s Resolutions

       New Year’s Resolutions are generally pretty standard self-improvement lists people put together for themselves. Some who make such lists are serious about making several positive changes in their life, while others have no real resolve to change but make the list anyway, just because it is traditional to do so. Because I belong to that first group and have resolutely resoluted resolutions for 6 decades I have finally achieved perfection in my life. So, with nothing left to improve and, hence, no list of my own to write, I decided to look at what the poor slobs who still need such things have listed. Google, of course, led me to a huge cache of online New Year’s Resolutions from the best of sources, namely, whichever media company paid for the top spots in the search results. These lists, rather than being from real people who make the list for their own benefit, are written by Karen-journalists who love telling other people what they need to put right in their pathetic lives. The top suggested resolution from obnoxiously highfalutin taxpayer-supported National Public Radio (npr.org) was (and I am not making this up): “This year, I want to... Try something fun—Get my first tattoo.” Seriously? This is what our tax dollars are used for? I suppose it could have been worse. After all, NPR is militantly leftist so the first thing on their list could have been, “Try something fun--Get my first abortion; or, Chemically castrate my 4 year old boy and call him Suzie; or, Swoon over the man who shot a CEO.”
       Anyway, reading that single first resolution was enough to make me turn away from the search engine and come up with my own list. Not a list of things to better myself but, following NPR’s witless lead, I came up with a list of bad resolutions for others to do. Please don’t try any of these yourself but feel free to share them with any lefties in your circle of acquaintances. They will probably already have done most of them, so you don’t have to worry about leading them astray.

1. Buy a 198 inch ZLED 24K UHD HDR MicroLazerBeam GetSmart TV and a cable subscription that brings in nothing except CNN and MSNBC and watch it 24 hours a day so that you can claim to know everything about everything.
2. Go to the local St. Vincent de Paul and demand that they pay for your electricity bill and rent because you blew all your money on number 1.
3. Because your new TV can’t show Bob Newhart reruns, play a “fake news” version of “Hi Bob.” Take a shot every time a reporter calls someone left of center a far-right extremist. Have a beer whenever a communist is praised. Have a spritzer if that communist is an elected official. Have a glass of wine every time the wrong pronouns are used while honoring a delusional male or female who “feels” like those very categories of “gender” are hurtful. You can find endless variations on your own if you wish.
4. Wear a mask so that you can smugly do your part to {advertise} {create panic about} straighten the curve for the Bird Flu pandemic which is likely killing whatever part of humanity the covid shots didn’t wipe out.
5. While you’re at it, you might as well take a couple of shots of DNA-altering Bird Flu “vaccines” so that you can be doubly self-righteous as you TikTok yourself screaming (from your couch in front of your TV, where you have locked yourself down except when taking trips to the liquor store necessitated by number 3) at the unvaccinated, non-face-diaper-wearing, grandmother-killing imbeciles who are responsible for you being the only one in the state testing positive (on your 156th taxpayer-funded “free” PCR test) for the Bird Flu.
6. Start two art collections, one secular and one religious. Begin with the most honored and respected living artists of those fields, Hunter Biden and Fr. Marko Rupnik.
7. If you threatened to move to Canada if Trump was elected, do it! But be prepared to move again when it becomes our 51st state. Just don’t move from there to Greenland or near the Panama Canal though, or you may have to change locations multiple times.

       Anyway, that’s quite enough Resolutions. Seven is a good number to end on. Arguably, the first one might have been two too many! May your authentic New Year’s Resolutions be much more sensible and help you achieve great holiness, good health, and true happiness this year.

With prayers for your holiness,
Rev. Fr. Edwin Palka